The Good Enough Mother

In today’s world, plenty of women find themselves wondering how good a mother they really are to their child. Are they building the relationship the right way? The internet is full of articles by psychologists on how to raise a child correctly (and incorrectly), various specialists teaching exactly what to do so that mother and child can thrive, children’s centers offering their own development programs, and, of course, “perfect” photos and stories of “perfect” families all over social media. In that flood of information, it really can be hard to work out what being a good mother even means — and sometimes too much information becomes its own source of doubt about whether you’re doing right by your child.

Have you ever stopped to ask where your expectations about your relationship with your not-yet-born child actually come from? What shapes them? Most often, it’s your own parents’ experience, stories from friends who already have children, and whatever you’ve picked up from other sources — books, forums, social media, lectures, courses. But all that information can only build an average, statistical model of behavior; there’s no way to know in advance what your child will be like, or what your relationship with them will be. “No two mothers are alike, just as no two infants are alike.”

The renowned pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Woods Winnicott coined the term “the good enough mother.” His books are recommended reading for parents, nurses, psychologists, analysts, and anyone who works with children. He writes about the important moments in the mother-child relationship in plain, accessible language, without ever hanging “good” or “bad” labels on anyone. He points out that all of a mother’s actions, even the smallest ones — “but repeated over and over, they give the child a basis for the capacity to feel real. With this capacity, the child can meet the world with confidence,” able to “move forward in the process of growing up that is their inheritance.” Winnicott also writes that inevitably, “a time comes when the child needs the mother to ‘fail’ in her attempts to adapt to them.”

Motherhood brings an enormous range of feelings and emotions, both positive and negative. A child is, at first, a stranger — someone you have to get to know, whose needs you have to understand, whom you have to help feel comfortable. It’s simply impossible not to feel ambivalence toward them. A mother’s sensitivity and responsiveness to her child’s needs lets the young subject find basic trust in the world, and feel loved and cared for. But the anxiety that inevitably arises at moments of frustration is necessary too. It’s entirely natural for a mother to make mistakes, and to keep looking for the particular way of relating to her child that works for her.

If, in building your relationship with your child, you run into problems that feel unsolvable, or strong anxiety and despair, you can always reach out to a specialist to talk through what’s happening and understand where those feelings are coming from.